transitions and changes

 I will begin a new blog about a new chapter in my life. 

Already I am finding it full of traps and pitfalls that no one talks about. 

The pandemic and forced restrictions have joined forces with decaying and worn out body parts. I have found myself lost in a downward spiral. Trapped by a conundrum. How does one lose pounds when one is dealing with knees that hurts with every step. How does a person convince herself that by doing this incredibly painful and tortuous thing, mentally and physically it will lead to better things? 

My first efforts were not unsuccessful but I was not prepared to deal with the physical and mental changes as they began. 

So I thought I would speak the words and the intention out loud to a medical professional. What I came away with was reams of papers with strategies and condescension by the bucket load. How supportive is that?

I want to hear how losing weight changes your body shape in ways that are not pretty, but rather disturbing, disappointing and in ways that will make you cry for hours. 

I am not what I would consider a vane person. I am fine with cheap haircuts, secondhand clothes and I never wear makeup. But I do have some body features that I have made peace with. For example some extreme breasts. Yes they are a hinderance sometimes, yes the garments to contain them can be quite spendy. But ultimately we get along. 

Until... Remember that first attempt? From pendulous but firm to jello ball in a tube sock.  Belly went flat the way a tractor tire looks when you let the air out. None of my clothes fit better because the bits that used to get a bit squished were now floppy and needed to be scooped and tucked and dealt with in ways that made me cry every time I put on clothes.

There is a huge mental component that the medical professional with her papers and condescension have ignored. Its been ignored by the weight loss empires too. they have their support groups to keep pushing each other but do they talk about how it feels to see flopping folds of belly and thigh? Never in anything I have watched or read. 

In some ways this is one of those journeys where they keep telling us about the destination and ignoring the discomfort, and small tragedies of the journey itself.